Bill Bergen

Andre Ethier part 2... oh, how the mightily above average have fallen.
The streak hits 30 and stops there.
So it goes.
But alas, when one gets thirty games in a row, that's the mark of success, but when one fails 46 times in a row and has a career average of .170, that's the mark of futility.
I guess you can call him the 2011 Jason Varitek of his day. He was a good backstop that called the game well, but in the end... he never hit above .200. Too bad because he never had a George Brett character (or Bruce Bochte and Tom Paciorek) to playfully create a Mendoza Line in the stats to remember him by.
From 1901-1911, he played the game and finished with no seasons above the Mendoza Line. He hit 2 home runs in his storied career, and while that may have got him some lovin' from the ladies, I'm sure it made a couple of pitchers want to jump off of the Brooklyn Bridge. The first of these was in his rookie year with the Reds, and the second one was 8 years later with the Brooklyn Superbas whose legend is almost as lost as Bergen's is.
Nevertheless, he is the epitome of failure in major league history, and that is saying something. Maybe with that being said, his backstop ability to call pitches is better than that of Jarrod Saltalamacchia, whose non-ability just continues to amaze all who wonder how Boston could be so free spending on everyone from Daisuke Matsuzaka to Wacky Lackey and not pony up for someone with more upside than "if he works out, the sub 7 figure contract will seem like a bargain and make up for the adventure story that is played every time Daisuke gets to 2 strikes and can't close the deal.
Yep... Bergen was something in his day, and perhaps it was an act of niceness that he stuck around. Compared to Mark Reynolds' over-priced and high strikeout self (or Austin Jackson for that matter), Bergen's one in 7 K rate for a career is still better than 1 every 3 or less for some of the free swinging no power hitters of 2011. Granted, he's not Ted Williams (27) or Joe Dimaggio (13) in 1941, but we can't always have a choice to choose between the .400 guy or the guy with 56 games in a row (or 74/75 games that he hit in).
But if Ethier is our mark of success, let us wish him well. If he's a flash in the pan... this year's Willie Tavarez, at least he topped it out and got to 30 games.
That is saying something.

Jarrod Saltalamacchia

Randal from Clerks said it best about it being "so good to be right. There's nothing more exhilarating than pointing out the shortcomings of others, is there? (especially Terry Francona, Theo Epstein, and the rest of the Boston management that has the Red Sox in this predicament), and as Jarrod Saltalamacchia finds himself demoted (can the soup line be far behind, and if it is, do you get a hat like that with it?), we have to wonder... how long until Theo and Terry find themselves deported from Red Sox Nation to the fumaroles of Antarctica?
So in honor of the general suckiness of the former Red Sox catcher, let us take a look at who in the world of bat and ball (to include women's softball) is having a better day than Jarrod Saltalamacchia (.194 and 5 RBIs).
It's too bad that Buster Posey's little sister Samantha, a Valdosta State product, can't catch in the bigs... she just walloped the home run cycle (solo, 1 run, 2 run, grand slam) in a double header. Yep... power like that tops a average.
The Blue Jays came back against Mariano Rivera. I may have lost fantasy points, but I'll take it for that. Any time you beat the best closer in the game, it's a good feeling.
If you're the Brew Crew, you're happy today after beating up on Roy Halladay and playing competitive with Cliff Lee in a potential warm up battle for the playoffs to come.
If you're Pablo Sandoval, you're happy because you aren't on the bench and half way through April, you have 5 jacks (8 short of last year's disappointing total - when he truly was a Kung Fu Panda, but not anymore). Seeing as he basically lost my 5-year old nephew in weight from his tubby body (not that I'm one to talk about tubby bodies, but I'm not a star athlete either), he's back to being productively sick on the base paths.
If you're Jerry Sands, you're happy to be called up and playing for the Los Angeles Dodgers and even happier as your first 2 games result in a 2 game-hitting streak with 2 RBIs. That's 40% of Jarrod Saltalamacchia's season total, and fortunately, nobody is counting on Sands to throw out runners or tame the savage Wacky Lackey.
If you're Josh Johnson, you're happy to be facing Pittsburgh and shutting them down for 7 innings on 9 whiffs as you win again and continue to be the most dominant pitcher of the month - at least in the other league of Dan Haren.
If you're Ubaldo Jimenez, at least you're happy to be back - even if you still lost the game. Playing is better than sitting on the bench any day.
And for that, April may be T.S. Eliot's cruelest month, and this day one of its most heinous days of all (up there with the 14th for the death of Lincoln and the Titanic - today being Hitler's birthday and Columbine), but for some (Matt Kemp), April is the time to start off with a statistical bang.
For the embattled Boston Red Sox, it's like Monday's 105th anniversary of the great San Francisco Fire. The world is collapsing everywhere and there's nothing we can do. When can the rebuilding come? What must we sacrifice to do it? How long can we wait for the next chance for a World Series victory? Will this wait bring back chants of 1918 - if 1918 can even be called a real victory in light of Eddie Cicotte's comments... or should we just let the vague notes of a historic cheat burn on the fire for what they are or they aren't?
Yes... April has so much potential (my wife and sister's birthday), but it has so much sadness (Waco and Oklahoma City, whose anniversaries of mass carnage was yesterday).
Somewhere between the rain and the sunshine, there are flowers growing and beauty abounds, but alas... we can only wonder what else is to come.

Adrian Gonzalez

The good news is that all is right with the USS Pujols... 2 home runs in a Dodger crushing celebration last night means that the universe - at least the one that exists in the NL East and hits .300, 30, 100, and 100 is back on pace. He may only be up to .241 with 10 RBIs and 4 jacks, but he's hot again, and for that, life is good.
Ichiro was off to a little bit of a slump, but 2 more hits puts him at .276. Once again, life is good, and all is right with the highest paid (and most effective) singles machine in the history of baseball (though Pete Rose and Ty Cobb probably have something to say about that).
And while Baltimore losing is par for the course, Boston dropping to 2-10 with a loss against the Blue Jays is a crime against humanity.
So let's try to figure this out.
Carl Crawford's 0 for 5 drops him to .135. He's making $142 million over 7 years.
Jacoby Ellsbury's 1 for 4 raises him to .195. Coming back from injury, he was a question mark, but still... he's better than this. After all, he's batting .288 for a career.
Marco Scutaro goes 1 for 3 to raise his batting average to .188. Sure, he was the subject of a movie called Player to Be Named Later, and he did once hit a 3-run game winning home run against Mariano Rivera proving that the sun can shine on a sleeping dog's ass, but still... and he's making $11 million over 2 years AND HE SUCKS.
And Jarrod Saltalamacchia, the catching option that was supposed to be the good one since the other option, Jason Varitek, is headed for AARP, is hitting .154 this year. He hit .167 in 2 less at bats of an injured season last year, but Theo the wonder child and Francona the puppet boy thought that they could make something of the lad... but it didn't work. Sure, he's a bargain basement $750,000, but still... you think that he could at least make the Mendoza Line. Save 1 good 2 for 4 game against the Yankees, and this guy is outright ejected from the pros.
And just like we talked about rewarding pitchers who do nothing in Boston, now, the 0 for 4 night for Adrian Gonzalez (dropping him to .244 with 1 home run and 7RBIs) gets him $154 million over 7 years.
The message of rewarding greatness is understood, but if it's not happening this year, what does it really mean? Are we just trying to be the biggest payroll ever to miss the playoffs? Does it mean that Baltimore and the Blue Jays can quake at who finishes in third in AL East as the Red Sox look to move on without JD Drew and his 5 years $70 million after this year?
The free spending and day dreaming hopes of the Wonder Twins ensures that just as Zan and Jayna were the dumbest cartoon superheros ever, Terry and Theo are the most useless front office pair to ever steer a baseball ship. I know I said that I want my team to slump as low as they possibly can if it gets them fired, but I don't know how much more I can take of this disaster of a season. We're now officially 2 games behind Houston and Seattle who were both dead in the water before the season started. We're 7 games behind 2nd place Kansas City who was also marked for death. Even Pittsburgh who hasn't had a winning season since 1991 is 4 games better than us and their best players are looking for July trades as opposed to playoff dreams in western Pennsylvania.
What does it say? Worst baseball summer in Boston since 1960's 65 and 89? Even the futility of World War 2's player depletion in 1945 hasn't looked this bad - especially with a payroll of $160million.